Dear younger self,
Navigating the journey of manhood is often a complex path, shaped by conflicting voices and expectations. For those raised in environments where traditional notions of masculinity dominate—such as an all-boys boarding school or a household with a single mother—the pressure to conform to certain masculine ideals can be intense. These pressures often come wrapped in camaraderie, laughter, and seemingly harmless jokes, but they carry insidious messages about what it means to ‘be a man.’ This journey, as many find, becomes less about external battles and more about confronting internal struggles with identity and values.
Toxic masculinity, a term increasingly recognised in cultural and psychological discourse, refers to harmful norms that define manhood narrowly, often equating it with dominance, emotional suppression, and control. These norms encourage men to dismiss vulnerability, belittle love or tenderness as weakness, and sometimes even treat women as objects or inferiors. The outcome is not only damaging to women but creates a silent epidemic among men themselves. Studies and expert analyses reveal that adherence to these damaging norms correlates with elevated mental health issues such as depression, anxiety, substance abuse, and a reluctance to seek help. This is the reality of living within a constrictive version of masculinity that stifles authentic emotional expression and fosters detrimental behaviour patterns.
This internalised toxicity can manifest in various ways—from the way men are socialised to suppress tears and display arrogance rather than confidence, to the perpetuation of workplace misconduct and toxic group dynamics. It is not uncommon for men to find themselves repeating behaviours they once abhorred, driven by a desperate need to reclaim power or avoid vulnerability. Yet, this cycle is not unbreakable. The real fight begins when one recognises these behaviours and deliberately chooses a different path. This path is marked not by obedience to outdated codes of masculinity but by embracing empathy, respect, and kindness—qualities often unfairly gendered but, in truth, profoundly human.
Important allies in this transformation tend to be the women who challenge and nurture men’s growth, offering perspectives that disrupt toxic narratives and teach the value of listening and equality. Feminism emerges here not as a threat but as a crucial corrective force, dismantling myths that masculinity and kindness are incompatible. The journey is exhaustive, filled with small but significant acts of resistance against the culture of silence, gossip, and dismissal of others based on gendered biases. Yet, these incremental victories build the foundation for more inclusive and authentic expressions of masculinity—ones that reject domination and cruelty and foster genuine connection.
As men mature and observe the younger generations, they may also recognise familiar patterns in those around them—men still seeking validation from the ghosts of toxic father figures or cultural idols. Understanding rather than hate can become the response, paired with a firm commitment to model healthier, gentler forms of masculinity. Over time, communities of men and women committed to unlearning these harmful norms form a vital refuge, a place where empathy counteracts aggression and friendship offers shelter.
Ultimately, the lesson is one of reconciliation: learning that being a man does not require sacrificing goodness, respect, or emotional honesty. The world may resist this truth, mocking and testing those who stand firm, yet the quiet rebellions against toxic masculinity are powerful and transformative. When you witness even one person pause at a cruel joke because of your influence, you’ll know the fight was worth every moment.
Source: Noah Wire Services
